I overheard the neighbors chatting last night, while I sat in my room.
They were four or five men, all husbands and fathers who lived in their compound with their families. They were talking – almost shouting – about which celebrities and starlets they thought were the most shapely, the sexiest, the hottest, the most worthy of being brought to bed.
To other men, and maybe to some women who do not have my short temper, such a conversation is commonplace. Men are allowed to talk about their fantasies. They are allowed to look at other women even if they are married. They are even expected to cheat.
To me, all these things are unacceptable. They might be born out of history, out of traditions that give men the license to think and behave in certain ways.
History and traditions, I believe, are used as excuses for men to talk and act like pigs.
I wondered, last night, as I tried to hold my temper down – I wondered: did those husbands and fathers ever take the time to compliment their wives? Did they ever take the time to shut up and work so that their families could do better? Did they ever take the time to love their families?
They chatted for over two hours. They could have used that time to bond with their children, to help their wives in the kitchen, to sit down and eat with their families. They could have taken two seconds to compliment their wives.
Instead, they took two hours to talk about stupid things.
I know a lot of people will sneer at my sentiments, but I am not afraid to speak my mind.
Some people might say that men do not need to compliment their wives or their girlfriends because having a relationship is proof enough that they find their wives or girlfriends attractive.
I say that complimenting and having a relationship ARE NOT mutually exclusive. There is nothing wrong with complimenting your wife or your girlfriend. It can be as simple as telling your wife that you love how she smiles at you when she gets home from work. It can be as simple as telling your girlfriend that she’s beautiful.
And no, this is not about women being insecure and needing compliments. As much as men need encouragement and appreciation for what they do, women need reassurance, too. They need affirmation for how they manage to multitask and still look great. Every real compliment will be received wholeheartedly by a real woman, I assure you.
Which brings me to: Real compliments.
Among many other things, real compliments are sincere and specific.
Real compliments are actual sentences that have compliments in them. You’re beautiful. You look good in that dress. I love your smile.
Responding to a girl’s lack of confidence in herself DOES NOT count as a compliment. That is:
GIRL: I feel ugly.
GUY: No you’re not.
or
GIRL: I feel fat.
GUY: No you’re not.
or
GIRL: I feel stupid.
GUY: No you’re not.
The responses above tell a girl what she is NOT. A real compliment tells a girl what she IS.
GIRL: I feel ugly.
GUY: You’re beautiful.
or
GIRL: I feel fat.
GUY: You’re beautiful/sexy/attractive the way you are.
or
GIRL: I feel stupid.
GUY: You’re intelligent.
No, girls don’t need to be complimented all the time. But they do need some affirmation. Don’t stop complimenting them as soon as you’ve won them over, guys, because girls love another big something that you often fail to have.
CONSISTENCY.
So please, guys, take the time to compliment your wives and girlfriends. And while you’re at it, compliment your mothers, too. Oh, and while you’re doing that, please don’t waste your breath on complimenting starlets and models and porn stars. Really, you’re wasting your time.
You have a girl – a woman – who is standing by you. A compliment can work tons of magic.
Ah, and girls, do compliment your guys. Give. Take. All that good stuff. And another blog entry will probably be in the works.
