September 12, 2007 Diary 0

Now that I’m going insane over Marx, and now that I want to bash my head against the wall to get rid of some information overload, I think I can do a bit of coping. Coping, right now, means making a few confessions.

Ha ha ha ha!

Screw you, Marx, and all your negations of negations!!! Because of you, I forgot it was Mama Mary’s birthday last Saturday!

Die, Marx, die!

(Wait, he’s already dead. Bwiset.)

Ok, on to confessions!

I love N*SYNC. I SO LOVE N*SYNC! I still listen to all their albums!

I’m actually more hard-working than smart. In fact, I think I’m pretty stupid. (I already rid myself of this thought last week, and now it’s back. This is your frigging fault, Marx, you frigging *expletive deleted*!)

I don’t care about what Marx says. I want to be rich, and I’m willing to work for it.

I may make green jokes and be naughty, but in truth, I get scandalized easily. In fact, two minutes after I say such things, I scandalize myself (and picture myself kicking myself in the head).

I want nice pajamas now. I want warm, flannel pajamas. I just want pajamas. They’d make a really nice gift. Yeah…pajamas.

I wish I wasn’t so hard on myself. I really am hard on myself, and I can’t seem to let go. I don’t even know if I want to let go.

Whenever PhD work tires me out, I start imagining what it would have been like had I married much earlier and stayed home in the Philippines.

I hate telenovelas.

I want to have kids. Sometimes, I feel like crying when I remember all the warnings that my different doctors (with their different specialties) made, and I feel frustrated. Skill as a writer, the gift of gab, science for her foundation, so much promise: but she might not be able to bear children. For all that I have been given, this one letdown makes me feel useless.

When I’m scared, sad, or sometimes just super-duper happy, I sit in church and just stare at the altar. I do this nearly every day now, before or after work. It’s the most comforting feeling in the world.

I love taking long hot showers. One day, I won’t be able to take my time so pleasantly, so I’m savoring every moment now.

I’ve been having so many nightmares lately. In all of them, I die a lonely, unhappy death.

I love myself. I may not look like it, it may not seem obvious, but I do love myself.

And I think I’m getting this Marx guy. Yeah…now I can, er, sleep a little. I think.