So here we are.
It’s August, 2008, and I’m still transfering entries from my old site to my new one. I’m still deep in readings, unsure about what exactly my disseration has and should entail, and feeling the pressure from all sides.
I’m serving on the Grad Student Government panel as a senator for my department. I also head promotions, and this is our busiest season. We need to welcome new graduate students, have fliers about our activities ready, and think on our toes. There are only 2 people on the promotions comm – Andres Carillo and I. We are both in for a stressful treat.
And now, I’m scared.
I’ve been through piles of readings, examinations in statistics mere minutes after I had finally understood what I was reading about, hikes through prairies and woods in close contact with wild (perhaps even untamed) nature, and even brushes with the paranormal.
But today – now – I am scared.
Still, I have to learn how to trust God, and it’s something that I’ve been praying for ever since I realized how petty, how childish, and how silly I was. I kept on asking for things, begging for things, when all I needed was to lay the burden on Him – and surrender.
So now, I surrender. I’m afraid, but I have to learn how to trust. Everything is a test – this one is a test of trust.
***
I have learned many things, in this little adventure of mine, in this first year of studies.
I have learned that I can actually think on my toes, and think like a different kind of scholar. In the past, I was a laboratory kid, raring to go do the next experiment and playing out – in her head – the scene of molecules bumping up against each other and doing their work. Never have I dreamed of being able to see the logic (or sometimes, lack thereof) in sociology. Never have I dreamed of being able to sink myself into piles and piles of readings, and yet still emerge with a new understanding of the world.
The thought that I survived, unscathed and triumphant, is actually more empowering.
I have learned that eating too many fresh blueberries can turn your poop green.
I have learned that I have so many friends, and that I have been a better friend than I once thought I was, or could be.
I have learned that I have vulnerabilities that I have not yet unearthed, and that have emerged only because I have been left alone and cast far away from all that I love and hold dear. However, I have also learned that I have strengths that I have not yet harnessed, and that are waiting to be discovered, and hence, used.
I have learned that the flower symbol thingy on the digicam display means that you want to take pretty pictures with your subjects way up close. Man, has that function served me well!
I have learned that I am worth more than I have ever imagined myself to be – and I have learned that I underestimate myself too often.
I have learned that I’m pretty darn photogenic and so bloody gorgeous on camera, it’s actually sinful.(*cue laughter that’s both evil and surprised at its evilness*)
I have learned that TWO CAN PLAY AT THAT GAME! (*cue the REAL evil laughter!*)
I have learned that the nausea following a dose of the pill starts at exactly 12 hours post-consumption.
I have learned that I am actually more patient than I once thought I was.
I have learned that I do love myself. I just don’t show it.
***
There is a key somewhere
That unlocks this riddle
The monster of my past
took it
and swallowed the key
and it laughs
baring teeth that drip with memory
***
August 15
Super sleepy today. For some strange reason, I couldn’t fall asleep last night. Well, this is nothing that a good cup of coffee, blueberries, and wheat crackers can’t fix. I think I’ve found a whole new addiction: wheat crackers. Yum.
My neighbor has turned her dorm room into a motel room. Ew.
I have spent way too much this week: phone card, movie, splitting food for movie with Kimber, and tonight, maybe dinner. Holy cannolli! I so need to start saving!
I have also eaten way too little. Not hungry at ALL. Now snacking on blueberries, which, as you have been told above, turn my poop a dark shade of green.
I’m also a few more shades of afraid. Must push this out of my head. Anyway, how’s about the America’s Best Dance Crew show? Miss Fanny Pak. Indeed.
***
Half in the mood to start writing a heart-breaking, tear-jerking nanowrimo novel. But no – my brain is not yet working completely, and I need a real recharge before things go absolutely bloody nuts.
Now, just scared and uncertain and ready to weep. Uncertainty makes for a strange bedfellow.
Dear God, please make me strong. I feel so weak and stupid right now. Please help me.
